I’ll give you the TLDR of it all upfront on this one:
(1) Healing takes a lot longer than you think. We can look at it mathematically, really: if it took you 20, 30, 40 years to get in, it won’t take 2 weeks or months to get out. This insight applies to both physical and mental processes, and it SUCKS. It can be so frustrating to be in the thankless, seemingly endless phases of change where you put in so much work, but get so little reward. This can include early stages where you are trying to figure out what is even going on, the initially slow building of momentum, plateaus, moments of integration (a marked slowing or pausing is usually involved) or regression – necessary to the energetic dynamics of the whole journey, and moments of exploring new modalities… Recovery is not a linear path, that is for certain.
Take assessment on its own, it can be quick or slow. It’s like bringing in a car making a funny noise to the mechanic. Maybe that day it stops making the noise? Maybe the mechanic can’t tell where it’s coming from. Maybe a part or a log needs to be sent to a specialist for a lengthy, expert exploration of what the observable issues could mean. You get the drift. Some outward presentations are non-specific or take a lot of exploration to get to the bottom of them. And this is just assessment…
(2) Folks who have been there too can be invaluable supports, but not the only ones, because we all have different journeys/needs, and it takes a village. No one heals alone or the same way.
(3) There is always hope, as long as you keep fighting. You only fail when you stop trying for good.
(4) Towards the end of the article, there are ideas about paths you can take to heal, but also ways to use a guide you trust and not have to explore every rehab option yourself. Use the wisdom, knowledge, and mistakes of others – it’s there for the taking!
(5) How to approach this task: with love and self-compassion. Why? Well, if kicking yourself worked, you wouldn’t even be reading this post, you’d just be kicking away and soaring into new heights of holistic success. Remember that. You’ve already tried that.
Okay, let’s focus on the long form about healing or rehabilitation part now. Many folks speak of these popular topics, and to me, the most inspiring or resonant content has consistently been created by others who have also been through significant hardship (does any other type exist? Sometimes you do wonder!). The more someone experiences, the more reliably they can tell you about what various journeys are like. That’s why Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s search for meaning” is so powerful – he managed to create and keep a sense of meaning when everything had been ripped away from him in the concentration camps. I am no Frankl and my journey is replete with various forms of privilege. There are thus only so many types of hurdles I am familiar with, but I have encountered enough of them to have something useful to say about recovery.
Here is where I run into a bit of a problem with this piece of writing, because there is only so much that is appropriate for a psychotherapist to disclose as a blanket, publicly available statement. When I disclose something about me to a specific client, I do so with careful timing and intent, because my work as a clinician is not about me. Whatever is about me is there to serve the connection, the trust, the healing process, and the other person. I do share more than the average shrink, but there have to be limits.
Anyway, here we go, here is a bit about my journey as a person with lived experience. You can skip this part if you just want to get to the reflections.
I came back from far. Further than I can imagine. Both in mind and in body. I have faced CPTSD and a few other labels, due to stories that are dark enough that I can’t tell most friends. I realize this now. They silence a room; if you have some of the same life story patterns, you know what I am talking about. In the before times, in the long long ago, I have experienced the depths of complete disintegration of my sense of self, and felt deeply unsafe in myself as well as some of the high-risk environments I existed in. I’ve been an adult immigrant, on a new continent, with laws that almost evicted me a few times and cost me a few financial rock bottoms. Despite some amazing privileges, I have been mostly emotionally alone before finding my chosen family. Let’s just start there.
In my body, I had 7 surgeries by my 30s (none sought out by me or for funsies). I have had more than one cancer scare and well over a dozen concussions, long covid (the 2020 brand), a slew of accidents, and bouts of chronic pain that resulted in endless cycles of treatment. I’ve been told I would never walk properly or run again after one specific accident, just for scale. I have rebooted from nothing more times than I can count. After that early version of covid and 2 brain injuries, I had to relearn everything: standing, walking, moving my eyes, balancing, knowing where my body is in space. For some time there, just scrolling slowly on my phone would make me want to throw up and my head spin. The daily migraines were like existing in constant torture, and nothing helped. Anyway, no need to give you more pieces, you get it. My body has seen some shit too.
Here I am, at almost 40, with many of these things firmly in the rearview mirror. Most of them are, at least. Some are closer than I’d like, but I am finally in a place where it all seems like a million lifetimes ago. I consider myself able-bodied. In fact, I am becoming quite strong and becoming my trainer’s gym buddy. I can even run on uneven terrain (I still can’t believe it). I don’t suffer from flashbacks anymore. I can set limits with others, know when my body is afraid or in a state of “no”, and communicate my emotions to others effectively. I can problem-solve, even when conflict with someone close becomes challenging. I can ride the waves of my emotions, even when I am really fucking sad, mad, or excited. I’ve repaired my relationships with family as best as I can.
What has it taken to get here? People often ask and I don’t have the whole answer; some of it just feels very mysterious, other parts feel privileged beyond belief. For example, it took a village and not everyone has one. I can say the following things for me: rehabilitating your mind and/or body after a long deviation out of the healthy path takes a long time. So, so much longer than you think. It took so much hard work, persistence, and commitment to getting better. That’s one of the mysteries: what kept me fighting so hard despite it all. That’s a piece of what I hope to pass on by sharing so much of my story and exposing so much of myself: that there is hope if you keep on fighting. Along the way, there were long stretches of frustration, tears, not knowing what the hell I was doing, costly setbacks, making mistakes… In my personal life, I live with openness and I don’t hold back, so others also witnessed these momentous mistakes. I have been embarrassed and humiliated in many ways that made me want to hide under a rock forever. I have hurt people in many other ways that made me want to doubly hide under a rock forever. I have had to forgive myself as well as others and many have forgiven me; I don’t expect it because no one owes anyone else that, but it sure is healing when it happens. Sometimes, we interact with severely unhealed versions of each other in close relationships, and statute of limitations is a concept I embrace inside myself, so I opt to let as much go as possible too. It takes time, but it’s worth it. I have finally realized the old buddhist adage “holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned” is true… I don’t want to be holding on to hot coals until I die. The righteousness or the craving for some kind of justice is a fool’s errand.
All the same, some of that stuff still haunts me sometimes. Mine and theirs. Especially mine.
Who helps you carry that, grow, and shift? Your village. So many folks have been there for me, at all levels of closeness. We can’t heal alone. That much is certain. From the mechanics who helped me with my car over the years, and who even loaned me their personal family car so I could get to work (mad vibes to them – I hadn’t felt that trusted and freely supported by a man in a long time! It made me cry with joy on the ride to work!), to my best friends who have literally held me while I sobbed for hours. There have been endless celebrations, giggles, shared tasks, hour-long chats… So. Many. People. <3
Professionals in public and private sectors have helped so much too, although navigating systems, getting to the right people, self-advocating, and sometimes experiencing big damage in/by care sectors is really, really tough. I am grateful for what I found. Not all patients-in-healing do, even among those with the means to do so, and even having the means (even in a big broken system) is such an otherworldly gift. It’s a gift I take seriously, and as I run all these technologies of the mind and body on myself, I carefully track them so that I can share what I have discovered with others.
Modality-wise… I can include a list of what has helped here. It’s not exhaustive, but these are some components that can help explore, calm, modulate, wrangle, strengthen… We need the lay of the land so that we can take action. Bravery is required as you look deep into yourself, because damn, some parts are hard to look at. You will flinch, and that’s okay. You may even recoil in horror a few times, scream it out, go silent, take extended breaks, or self-medicate in tough ways. Just keep relaxing back and using any compassion or loving-kindness you can access. Punishment doesn’t work, or we wouldn’t have recidivism. If kicking yourself worked, you wouldn’t even be reading this post, you’d just be kicking away and soaring into new heights of holistic success. Remember that. You’ve already tried that.
So, modalities that have been a part of my journey: self-reflection, writing and journalling, voice notes to myself, self-talk (literally out loud as I am panicking “you are not in trouble, you’re going to be okay”), CBT, DBT, EMDR, DBR, somatic processing, narrative processing, survivor/women’s violence groups, addiction groups, retreats, mindfulness practices (all types), meditation (all types), therapeutic dance, ecstatic dance, intuitive movement, psychedelics, raves, having a good cry, safe relationships (finding, building, and maintaining them), inviting others to call me on my shit and actually listening, volunteering, giving back to the community in whatever ways I can depending on the spoons I have, yoga, strength training, activities that require coordination of many aspects of the body like deep scuba diving or rock climbing, sexual and pleasure coaching, AI chats, focusing on as many aspects of the noble eightfold path as I can, hypnosis, minding what I say about myself because the unconscious is always listening, shadow work, drawing/painting, shadow-boxing, long walks in nature, biking in nature, caring for my sleep, medication (including psychoactive), training in psychotherapy, working in psychotherapy, addressing illnesses of the body, spiritual practices such as connecting to a higher power and praying… (and please, don’t get overwhelmed, you don’t need to do all this!! Find a guide you trust, and let them help you decide where to go next. Follow your intuition to start – try that one thing that worked before or the one thing you’ve always wanted to. If all else fails, focus on what I call the holy trinity: eat, sleep, move)
Whenever something comes my way, I try it. It used to feel like nothing would ever work. Here we are, years later. Years of trying, on a path that was just my own. You don’t need all this to heal. I just had to try it all, because it allows me to be a better healer and community member, and because it is who I am. I am an explorer of all things, for better or for worse, and it has landed me in some colourful places. I don’t regret them anymore.
But for you, know this: you don’t need to see results right away. You just have to keep trying. You only fail when you stop trying for good. All you gotta do is get back up. If you fell, that’s okay. If you’re mortified, that’s okay. If you’re in pain, that’s okay. It all unties in the end. It takes a really long time, but I’ve seen myself and so many clients do it! Many friends too! There is light, I swear. From the bottom of my soul, I swear to you, no matter where you are, there is always hope and it is never too late.