I had debated whether I would go here, but fuck it, here we are. These topics now need to explore the self-destructive place. The one I have found in myself at times, and in others too, both in my personal and professional lives. The one which I now realize has been the main type of toxicity I brought to many close relationships in that past. Interestingly, that is a specific brand of shadow that my father also carried with him.
Two things to get out of the way first: one, the thanatic or death drive as I understand it (only loosely related to Freud’s understanding) can be useful. Sometimes we need sacred fire to restore life or creativity, like when burning down an infertile field, so that new crops can grow. I’ll explore how self-destructiveness is different to me, no matter what story the voices in your head may have told you. If you have ever thought others are better off when you attack yourself in any way, then this post is very much for you. Second, I do believe in a person’s right to self-determination of their own body, whether that is life or death. I cannot explore that one in depth, and likely won’t ever, because it lies too close to my own deeply murky content. However, I wanted it stated.
With that out of the way, we can begin.
In working through clients’ lifelong patterns of deep shame and self-hatred, we have repeatedly come back to the first principle of “do no harm”, and how acts of violence towards the self are not victimless crimes. I learn a lot from working with others and the mirrors I was graced to encounter on this topic have shed light on this truth.
It sounds so silly and trite to say that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. Maybe even oppressive, I don’t know. And to some degree, it is an oversimplification. You technically can love another first – yes – but you must know that it will very likely take on the same flavor as your internal world, especially as the intimacy and activation you experience inevitably deepen. These patterns are not usually visible to the casual observer, or even to many of our friends. However, they will consistently enter any profound relational space, because eventually, the inner and outer world come to mimic or echo each other. Just like micro and macro realities end up operating in many of the same ways, when the scales are extreme enough. Many systems work with similar principles, whether in physics, psychology, or other disciplines.
So, the way you hold yourself – be that with love and care, compassion, impatience, high expectations, withholding, a sense of being undeserving, unpredictability, explosiveness, judgment, or anything else – will become how you hold those that matter the most to you. You may not even realize it, and it may be incredibly ego-dystonic at times. You might not even believe that you could be that to someone else and may want to escape that highly unpleasant realization. Your special people will do the same with you. It’s not good or bad; it just is. It’s the nature of the beast. Ultimately, that is how we can learn: seeing the intangible, ineffable inner world projected onto the big screen of live action with someone who is so important that we cannot turn away, no matter how painful it is to see. Our brains play out the ghosts in our heads with others in order to work on them.
Sometimes we can learn our lessons with a gentle awakening. If we are willing to listen, face change, be authentic, and sacrifice the right things. Sometimes, the timing is right and we are ready, or we have experienced enough gradients of progress that we can just keep growing uninterrupted, like the stem of a plant. Other times, we must learn with a sudden awakening, a brutal punch to the gut, a sudden qualitative transition, like experiencing a birth.
However and whenever it comes to us, we ultimately have to learn the biggest lessons of all. How to soften, attune, be patient, be understanding, and ultimately, love through the good times as well as the storms – in all the different dimensions we exist in.
Acts of violence against the self can never remain a victimless crime, no matter what you may think or feel about yourself in that moment. Everything you do ripples all around you. How you treat yourself directly and indirectly impacts your whole universe, even when lashing out feels like exactly the right thing to do. If you wouldn’t wish it on your favourite critter, art piece, person, or place in the world, try to come back here and remember that the love you give yourself will be the biggest gift you can give. And if you’re ever in a deep, deep hole of despair, let me offer you this motto that has changed my life “at least today, I didn’t make it worse”.
