Let’s follow up on what happens when you are in the depths. When tragedies have overtaken you. When your ability to cope has been exceeded and you think – passively or actively – “wouldn’t it be nice if this all just ended”. There are so many things I can tell you about this space, and there are so many things you can find online.
What the ever-living FUCK is one supposed to do, when one does not want to go on?
That – my friend – is a big question. And I call you my friend, because in this moment, that is exactly what we are. Fellow humans, in this community of tragedy and loss. Tragedy and loss we all experience at some point, because the only constant is change in this world, and because living is hard work. Whatever side you take, either that lion starves or that gazelle gets eaten. They both have families. They’re both alive. Some facets of this life can be pretty gruesome and hard to look at.
So here we are. We’re in this. Now what?
I’ll start by saying that some other parts of this life are so beautiful that they are equally hard to look at. Healing. Love. That kind of shit. You may not see it now, but it’s there. And if you’re reading this, please let me tell you that you are loved. There is love in you and around you. The sheer idea that you are here, reading this, is keeping me here and keeping my trying. The idea that you may be gone and that the pain may take over makes me so sad. I haven’t even met you yet, but I am crying as I write this. I am not kidding or lying – I’ve been where you are and this is serious fucking business. You are part of the human community, even if you haven’t found the right soil to be potted in and even if your life sucks right now.
So… What do you do? You remember this first. You are loved. Your absence will leave big ripples. You matter. To someone, somewhere, you matter. Even if it’s just right here and right now.
Now, you take one tiny step. One act of self-love or self-care that feels like a mountain right now. I highly recommend one of the following: eating one bit of food, taking a small shower, drinking some water, or just going to the bathroom if you’ve been avoiding that. Maybe you can tidy one small area that has been bugging you, like your night stand or a drawer. Wash one dish.
Pick one. Just one.
Do it imperfectly, do it badly even! Who gives a rat’s ass! Do it while crying. Do it with no energy or wish to be better. Doesn’t matter. Whatever this tiny thing is, it’s better than the current nothingness and suffering. I can promise you that. Something > nothing, here and now.
I know, I know it’s so hard. Maybe the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But I promise you, this can be an incredible thing. Maybe a seed of change in the direction of love, maybe one moment of making things better instead of worse, maybe one tiny accomplishment no one can take from you. You got this. Just give it a try right now.
Tried it?
Whether you did or didn’t, here are some more tiny steps for you.
You don’t need to fix your life right now.
We’re just going to get through this moment, one second at a time.
Slow your breath. Count through your breathing. If it sounds like IN 1, 2, 3, and OUT 1, 2, 3, try for 1, 2, 3, 4. Try slowing the count a bit, 1…2…3… Okay, now try making your exhale longer than your inhale.
You can also look around you and name:
Be as detailed as you can in your descriptions to yourself! Get creative! Is that just a green wall, or is it a matt emerald that was painted at least 20 years ago? You get the gist. Get into it.
You are here. Stay here. In this moment. This second. Keep coming back. No past, no future, just this one second. In this one second, you are okay. You are safe. Whatever came before or comes after – this one second is okay.
Remember what we just tried? Let’s do one more.
Pick one:
Remember, you are not solving your life. Nothing else needs to happen right now. You are just supporting your body. It needs care right now, and that is one thing in your power. You CAN do this.
Small shifts matter. Oceans are just a bunch of tiny drops. You are allowed to make this 1% easier or better without even needing to debate if you deserve it or not. Remember, this isn’t just for you, this is for me. This is for us. For all humans. One tiny shift. You got this. It seems stupid, and you can roll your eyes at me with zero judgment, but it’s the right move.
We have three ways to do this:
Maybe it’s someone you know. If it is, make sure it’s someone who can be helpful. Call them. Text them. Go to their home. We think we’re just annoying in these moments, but most people around us will say they wished we had reached out, no matter what they are also going through.
What do you say to them? You can just say something small, like “hey, I am going through a hard time – can you stay on the phone with me for a bit?” or “I really need company right now – it’s feeling a bit urgent – can I come over and just be around you? I don’t know if I want to talk”. Whatever feels right. No need for a huge explanation.
If you have a therapist, let them know too. Choose phone over email, because quicker contact is better right now.
Don’t have anyone like that? No problem, call or text a hotline (and remember if you don’t like the person, you can just hang up and call back! Awesome!). If you are in Canada, that’s 988. You can also go to the nearest emergency room or crisis center.
2. Get more formal help, if you don’t feel safe or able to commit to this moment.
That can include something like 988 or kid’s help phone, but could also be going to a crisis center or the ER. If you are worried about someone you know, you can call 211. If anything is super duper urgent and you need an ambulance or you can’t get yourself where you need to go, you can call 911 too.
3. This one is more practical, in your own space. If you can, create some distance between you and anything you could use to hurt yourself:
We just need one moment here, right now. That’s all. We need one moment where the hard thoughts are less” right in your face”.
Tell yourself: “I will get through the next 5 or even 2 minutes.”
Then do another 5.
You are not committing to forever. Just this little chunk.
You are loved, even if you don’t feel it right now. Just hold on. For us, my friend and fellow human.
Another sip of water.
Another minute in the shower.
Another 10 minutes.
That’s how we get through this.
